Thursday, February 18, 2010

An Introduction..Of Sorts

   This is an introduction post, in ways. You will get to know more about me, my life, and my goals than you would ever probably want to know.

**My name is Caitlin Alexandra. I live in the tiny town of West Salem, IL. I am engaged to my "dream guy", per se, and it's hard to imagine life without him.**

**I dye my hair..a lot, but naturally;; a blonde. Blue eyes.**

**Around 220 pounds or so, afraid to weight myself, so only do so at doctors appointments**

**Piercings, tattoos. Love them. No piercings besides ears [took them all out], 2 tattoos.

Enough about the obvious, now to the more in depth description.

I'm bipolar, suicidal, and manic depressive. Have been since around the age of 11, and I so badly want to overcome it. I have overcome cutting, which I guess is a good thing. There are still times I want to cut, but I haven't.

I started cutting around the first time I was molested, I know, I am getting very personal and in detail, but molested twice, raped once [by a boyfriend, at that].

I'm very insecure, and love to compare myself. Too short, too fat, whatever it may be, I see it. Whether it's accurate or not.

I want this all to end.

I want to be better. For myself, for my "knight in shining armor",  for our [future, unborn] children. To show my mom "Hey, I'm not you. I CAN better myself! I wont' be 52, at 400 pounds, in an unloving marriage, with a million health problems, lazy children, and no wants to better myself."

Because, hey, just because she gave birth to me doesn't make me anything like her!

I won't blame my children for everything, and when my 18 year-old's ex hits her, I won't say "oh she can handle herself!". I will care about my children and my husband more than I care about my best friend, especially when she back stabs me every other day. When my daughter is having an asthma attack I won't stay on the phone and say "Oh, she'll be alright"

Guess what? In all these instances: *I'M THE DAUGHTER*!

I will make it through college, and get a degree. I will become a psychologist, and hopefully finish to be a Criminal psychologist. I will have a family who sits at the dinner table and eats. 

So from this day forth, fuck genes, fuck environment *I'M IN CHARGE!*

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