An Introduction..Of Sorts

   This is an introduction post, in ways. You will get to know more about me, my life, and my goals than you would ever probably want to know.

**My name is Caitlin Alexandra. I live in the tiny town of West Salem, IL. I am engaged to my "dream guy", per se, and it's hard to imagine life without him.**

**I dye my hair..a lot, but naturally;; a blonde. Blue eyes.**

**Around 220 pounds or so, afraid to weight myself, so only do so at doctors appointments**

**Piercings, tattoos. Love them. No piercings besides ears [took them all out], 2 tattoos.

Enough about the obvious, now to the more in depth description.

I'm bipolar, suicidal, and manic depressive. Have been since around the age of 11, and I so badly want to overcome it. I have overcome cutting, which I guess is a good thing. There are still times I want to cut, but I haven't.

I started cutting around the first time I was molested, I know, I am getting very personal and in detail, but molested twice, raped once [by a boyfriend, at that].

I'm very insecure, and love to compare myself. Too short, too fat, whatever it may be, I see it. Whether it's accurate or not.

I want this all to end.

I want to be better. For myself, for my "knight in shining armor",  for our [future, unborn] children. To show my mom "Hey, I'm not you. I CAN better myself! I wont' be 52, at 400 pounds, in an unloving marriage, with a million health problems, lazy children, and no wants to better myself."

Because, hey, just because she gave birth to me doesn't make me anything like her!

I won't blame my children for everything, and when my 18 year-old's ex hits her, I won't say "oh she can handle herself!". I will care about my children and my husband more than I care about my best friend, especially when she back stabs me every other day. When my daughter is having an asthma attack I won't stay on the phone and say "Oh, she'll be alright"

Guess what? In all these instances: *I'M THE DAUGHTER*!

I will make it through college, and get a degree. I will become a psychologist, and hopefully finish to be a Criminal psychologist. I will have a family who sits at the dinner table and eats. 

So from this day forth, fuck genes, fuck environment *I'M IN CHARGE!*