100 Truths

I normally don't do this type of thing in a blog, but eh don't have anything to post about until later, so here it is :

100 Truths

1. Last beverage - diet coke
2. Last phone call - Er...unsure
3. Last text message - Emails
4. Last song you listened to - No idea
5. Last time you cried -Last night

HAVE YOU EVER:
6. Dated someone twice - Yes
7. Been cheated on? Yes
8. Kissed someone & regretted it? Yes
9. Lost someone special? yes.
10. Been depressed? - yes.
11. Been drunk? - Yes

LIST THREE FAVORITE COLORS:
12. Hot pink
13. Lime Green
14. Black

THIS YEAR HAVE YOU:
15. Made new friends - yah.
16. Fallen out of love - Nope
17. Laughed until you cried - Yes :)
18. Met someone who changed you - Not exactly, I already knew him, but I remet him in October.
19. Found out who your true friends were - Definitely
20. Found out someone was talking about you - Kinda
23. How many kids do you want to have - 4
24. Do you have any pets -3 cats
25. Do you want to change your name - Nope
26. What did you do for your last birthday - Tattoo; license
27. What time did you wake up today - 8:10am
28. What were you doing at midnight last night - Sleeping
29. Name something you CANNOT wait for - Wedding Day
30. Last time you saw your father - Bio: about a month ago   Step: last night
31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life - My weight
32. What are you listening to right now - Nothing
33. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom - I guess
34. What’s getting on your nerves right now? -Nothing (:
36. What’s your real name -  Caitlin Alexandra Burke
37. Relationship Status - Engaged
38. Zodiac sign -  leo
39. Male or female - female.
40. Elementary - Wells Elementary
41. Middle School - Grayville Junior High; Sumner Attendance Center
42. High school - Red hill High school, Edwards County High School, Mill Shoals Behavioral School, Mt. Carmel High School, GED.
43. Hair color - Right now? reddish pink
44. Long or short -long
45. Height -5'5"
46. Do you have a crush on someone? - It's more than a crush
47. What do you like about yourself? -Not a lot right now.
48. Piercings - Took them all out :(
49. Tattoos - Have 2; want more
50. Righty or lefty -right

FIRSTS:
51. First surgery - ears
52. First piercing - tongue
53. First tattoo - butterfly
54. First best friend - Don't remember
55. First sport you joined - T-ball
56. First pet - I dunno
57. First vacation rembered - Errr
58. First concert - never.
59. First crush -  Steven..

RIGHT NOW:
61. Eating - Nothing.
62. Drinking - nothing
63. I’m about to - Do nothing lol
64. Listening to - The vent?
65. Waiting for - William to wake up

YOUR FUTURE:
66. Want kids? Yes
67. Want to get married? 5 months; 20 days
68. Careers in mind?Criminal Psychology

WHICH IS BETTER WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX?
69. Lips or eyes - eyes.
70. Hugs or kisses - kisses
71. Shorter or taller - taller
72. Older or Younger - older
73. Romantic or spontaneous - spontaneous.
74. Nice stomach or nice arms - stomach
75. Tattoos or piercings - Doesn't matter
76. Sensitive or loud - loudd.
77. Hook-up or relationship - relationship.
78. Trouble maker or hesitant - in between.

HAVE YOU EVER:
79. Kissed a stranger - Yes
80. Drank hard liquor - Eh
81. Lost glasses/contacts - yes.
82. Sex on first date -Once :(
83. Broken someone’s heart -Yup
84. Had your own heart broken - Oh yes
85. Been arrested? - NOPE.
86. Turned someone down - …yeah.
87. Cried when someone died - yea.
88. Liked a friend that is a girl? - yeah.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
89. Yourself - somewhat.
90. Miracles - yes.
91. Love at first sight - no.
92. Heaven - Eh, I'm working on my answer
93. Santa Claus - of course.
94. Kissing on the first date? - depends on the feeling.
95. Guardian angels -Not sure

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:
96. Is there one person you want to be with right now? -He's beside me.
97. Had more than one boyfriend/girlfriend at one time? - Yes
98. Do you believe its possible to choose one person and stay with them forever - YES
99. What’s the something you cannot live without? - One? I have about 20
100. Posting this as 100 Truths? - yes

Newsflash;

Anytime you go with your mother anywhere and you don't know how long you'll be gone TAKE FRUIT AND STUFFS (:

2,300 calories for the day..yay starving and binging-ish.

Confucius + Fridayyy

“ It does not matter how slow you go so long as you do not stop." Confucius

Today was kinda boring so far, had toaster waffles for breakfast. These aren't exactly healthy, but hey as long as I"m within my calories I'll live [for now]. This quote is perfect for me at the moment though, I'm taking everything slowly and just trying to get what's best for me, William, and our [future] children. I am not going to rush it and "relapse". I'm going to do it right, take steps. I'm cutting down calories considerably, I'm used to 2500 a day, and I'm getting between 1300 and 1700, and I can button pants that haven't fit in years. I really want to start running, but boy, it's COLD!

Might do C25K, but want a new ipod first..we'll see. I may be stuck using the current one, if William will give it up for a bit a day lol

Thursday Post & My Sister's Keeper

Okay, so I really need some more followers. Every time I see that number go up I get a tad bit more motivated, so here is how I will motivate you. At 30 followers I will give away my copy of DietGirl, which I have thanks to the amazing KatieJ. She sent it to me around September of last year, and while it took me a while to finish it due to unmotivation, I have finished it and I LOVE it.

Around 60 followers I am thinking of giving away a year subscription to either Self, Fitness, or WeightWatchers magazine, I am not 100% sure, but there will be another giveaway.

Anyyway, so lately I have had little choice over what I ate, I'm living with my mom and controlling my food isn't easy. BUT I have very much realized I DO have control over HOW MUCH! I eat. So instead of being a stickler over what, I am doing portion control. I have been making her buy fruit though, which I have been gladly gobbling up. Right now we have apples, grapes, and Bananas. I love them all! May start eating some Peanut Butter with my apples so that I get some more protein in, as I'm sick of chicken every single night.

Mmk. Thursday's Theme is information on the book I'm reading. Which is:

So far it's really good, a lot better than the movie! I'm on page..probably about 100, and I would give it a 3/5 stars. I may do a small book review on it when I finish; I haven't decided.

Happy Thursday, everyone, I would try to post again tonight but have a night comp class, so we'll see.

"I'm Bluffin' with my Muffin"

I won't tell you that I love you

Kiss or hug you

Cause I'm bluffin' with my muffin

I'm not lying I'm just stunnin' with my love-glue-gunning

Just like a chick in the casino

Take your bank before I pay you out

I promise this, promise this

Check this hand cause I'm marvelous

I have decided to try something to make me more motivated to post:

Monday: Meal Plans for Following Week
Tuesday: Shout outs to other bloggers [Comment if you want one, otherwise I will just choose one I'm majorly interested in]

Wednesday: Lyric of the Week

Thursday: Info on book I'm currently reading (:

Friday: Quote of the Week

There will also be my normal post; and my reason for choosing what I did

Lyric of the week was brought to you by Lady Gaga; Pokerface. She inspires me so much, she's amazing in every way. She isn't afraid to be herself, and hopefully one day I will have her confidence.

Now, onto me: All week I have been under 1,700 calories, which is my goal. Am up a bit on water, but still not perfect. The exercise is not GREAT, but I have quit taking the elevator all together (:

Comp Paper Help?

I have to cut my comp paper down from 1600 words to 850 words, right now I'm down to 1,211 so am going to paste it here for more insight. It's due Thursday, so if you find anything unneeded let me know:

Caitlin Burke

Judy Donaldson

ENGL 1111

25 Feb, 2010

Love Survives

            Have you ever had a time when you were in conflict with yourself? This happened to me on Halloween of the year 2009. I had to choose between my happiness, and the happiness of my loved ones. It was probably the most difficult night of my life, and tonight I am going to share it with you, along with some of the events that followed.

            First of all, of course, I have to share some background with you. October of 2009 I was a student at O.C.C., and had no idea what I wanted to major in. I was taking my basic classes, biology, speech, things like that, and I loved it. I had amazing grades, straight A’s, and I had few worries. I lived at home with my parents, my two brothers, and a friend. I had things extremely easy. Now, I have to tell you about that day, and what turned into the hardest decision of my life.

            The day began with the dreadful drive from West Salem, Illinois to Peoria, Illinois. My mom was driving, and Matt, the friend I mentioned, was in the backseat. It is around 400 miles, and with a stop in Mattoon it took us over 7 hours to get there. My reason for going there was to visit my boyfriend, William. Nothing eventful happened on the way there, so I won’t go into much detail, just keep in mind it took 3 hours more than it should have.

            Around 4 in the evening we began to see the outskirts of Peoria. I was in love at first sight. I couldn’t keep my eyes off of the tall buildings, and my mouth kept dropping with every few miles we drove. We got to Timberlane Apartments about 30 minutes later, and of course, got lost within the complex. Yes, that is my mother’s sense of direction, can make the drive without a problem but gets lost in the last 10 minutes. William, like any gentleman, met us at the van. I hadn’t seen him in 4 years, but when he hugged me, that didn’t matter. We all went to IHOP to eat, and while the food was disgusting, the company was amazing. We laughed, talked, and we were completely comfortable.

            After IHOP, we went back to the hotel. Out of boredom, William and I decided to walk to Northwoods Mall. On the walk there I was very nervous. My thoughts were mixing together, and speaking was as difficult as physics. I was very clumsy, and it is beyond me to this day how I did not end up on the ground.

            “Caitlin, what time do you expect to leave tomorrow?” William asked, clearly upset at the idea.

            “I don’t think I am,” I replied.

            At that moment it felt like time was standing still. Neither of us knew what to say. That wasn’t the answer he was expecting, and it surely wasn’t what I expected to come out of my mouth. I don’t remember speaking again until we got to the mall. What comes next, though, I definitely remember.

            He stopped outside the mall, and started kissing me. I nervously pulled away, and I noticed him slowly lowering to one knee. My heart started racing, and my thoughts were jumbled. I knew what he was doing, it was just unexpected. He spoke a mere 7 words, but they left my mouth dry.

            “Caitlin Alexandra Burke,” he said slowly, “will you marry me?”

            I couldn’t find the strength to speak, so I simply nodded as he slipped the ring on. He smiled at me, and I knew I had to make a decision. I had to decide whether to stay with him, throw my semester away, and face losing my family, or to come home, knowing that the distance could kill our relationship. I thought about it as we walked through the mall. In all honesty, I did not make up my mind until getting in the elevator at the hotel. That’s when I knew for sure what I had to do.

            I walked into the hotel room nervously, looking around the room before completely entering. I grabbed my phone off the charger, and grabbed my bags.

            “Mom,” I said, choking on the word, “I am staying here with William.”

            The next few days, as expected, were hard. We had breakfast with my mom before she left, and she cried through most of it. She went home, but not until making me promise to think about it. I was to stay a week, and then come home for a few days. Only then could I decide to stay, and her accept it as my decision. The week was perfect, though most of it was spent lying beside each other talking.

            The week went by fast, and before I knew it the time had come for the visit home. I had already made my decision to stay, and I had already dropped my classes. There was no backing out now, and I knew it. The visit home was eventful yet uneventful at the same time. I was home for around 5 days, and while I loved being around my family and friends, the whole time I missed William like crazy.

‘           The week of Thanksgiving William and I visited home together. This was the most eventful time of my life, as nobody approved of my moving up there so quickly, and with such little thought. The introductions were hard, but the looks of disapproval were worse. I had heard every excuse for me to come home.

            “He’s too old for you, Caitlin!” my grandma screamed over the phone. She had never met William before, but the seven year age difference was enough for her to hate him.

            “Grandma, it’s not that much of a difference.” I answered slowly.

I was almost happy when this visit was over. I was ready to go back, away from the drama. I was broken-down, and didn’t want to deal with any more conflict where this matter was involved. I wanted everyone to approve without much effort on my part. I slowly realized this would never happen.

            Eventually, I realized I could not afford a big city.

                        “Mom, I can’t afford to live up here, but I’m not coming home without him.” I knew she would have no choice but to let us both live with her.

Here we are, February, and William and I are finally adjusted to living together, and are now adjusting to living together with supervision. We have set a date for the wedding, August 18^th, 2010, which is also my nineteenth birthday, and we are anxiously preparing for that. The move to Peoria taught me a lot about myself, and it forced me to mature. I had to take care of myself, and could not rely on my mother as much as I was used to doing. I do not at all regret my decision, as it taught me that I can take care of myself, I can be brave, and that regardless what some people say, love makes you do extremely stupid things, even if they do end up making you the happiest person alive.

An Introduction..Of Sorts

   This is an introduction post, in ways. You will get to know more about me, my life, and my goals than you would ever probably want to know.

**My name is Caitlin Alexandra. I live in the tiny town of West Salem, IL. I am engaged to my "dream guy", per se, and it's hard to imagine life without him.**

**I dye my hair..a lot, but naturally;; a blonde. Blue eyes.**

**Around 220 pounds or so, afraid to weight myself, so only do so at doctors appointments**

**Piercings, tattoos. Love them. No piercings besides ears [took them all out], 2 tattoos.

Enough about the obvious, now to the more in depth description.

I'm bipolar, suicidal, and manic depressive. Have been since around the age of 11, and I so badly want to overcome it. I have overcome cutting, which I guess is a good thing. There are still times I want to cut, but I haven't.

I started cutting around the first time I was molested, I know, I am getting very personal and in detail, but molested twice, raped once [by a boyfriend, at that].

I'm very insecure, and love to compare myself. Too short, too fat, whatever it may be, I see it. Whether it's accurate or not.

I want this all to end.

I want to be better. For myself, for my "knight in shining armor",  for our [future, unborn] children. To show my mom "Hey, I'm not you. I CAN better myself! I wont' be 52, at 400 pounds, in an unloving marriage, with a million health problems, lazy children, and no wants to better myself."

Because, hey, just because she gave birth to me doesn't make me anything like her!

I won't blame my children for everything, and when my 18 year-old's ex hits her, I won't say "oh she can handle herself!". I will care about my children and my husband more than I care about my best friend, especially when she back stabs me every other day. When my daughter is having an asthma attack I won't stay on the phone and say "Oh, she'll be alright"

Guess what? In all these instances: *I'M THE DAUGHTER*!

I will make it through college, and get a degree. I will become a psychologist, and hopefully finish to be a Criminal psychologist. I will have a family who sits at the dinner table and eats. 

So from this day forth, fuck genes, fuck environment *I'M IN CHARGE!*

So, I am actually in the midst of writing an "introduction' post of sorts, as I know most of you know who I am but if you didn't follow the last blog you've never seen an actual introduction.

Buuuuut, I just won a giveaway!

I never thought it was possible, but I did -is excited-

Check out Margo's blog 10 Easy Pieces ; it is a really cool blog, and is also where I won ;)

Jillian? :o

Look what I just got! Yeah, that's William holding it up.. lol

Finally, things calmed down.

I know I promised to start posting normally, but certain circumstances made that nearly impossible, such as 4 tests right in a row. *silently curses professors*

So, I am working on organization, just got done studying for my test on Tuesday, but I will start posting if it kills me, me not blogging is definitely showing as I have no escape and go off a lot easier.